Not My Will
I hate when people say “why is no one talking about …?”
Most of the time, someone is.
The more humble thing to ask is “who is talking about…”?
What we’re often really saying is how we feel alone in this particular thought and we wish someone had an answer - or at the very least, were willing to talk about it.
Maybe this will be that space for you. Maybe I’ll put words to something that you’ve felt but haven’t had the space to process yet. Let’s see.
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
Matthew 16:24
I’ve been a mom for a little over a year.
Truthfully, the hardest parts of motherhood haven’t been my daughter… it’s been me.
The battle is me vs. me.
I’ve heard a lot about the hardest age and stage of parenting.
“The hardest stage is for sure the newborn trenches!” “The terrible twos!” “Oh, just wait until they’re teenagers!”
I’m wondering if the “hardest stage" is the one that tests you the most.
The hardest stage is the one that tests your control issues, lack of self awareness, pride, laziness, commitment to self, rage.
The paradox is that sin often traces back to something we love.
You love control, so you are tempted to be anxious.
You love comfortability so you stray from community that costs you.
You love money, so you are tempted into all kinds of evil. (literally! The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil.)
The older I get, the more I’ve come to know exactly what I love.
I love waking up in the morning and doing whatever I want to do.
I love waking up slowly, going over to my chair with coffee and having time to reflect and think.
I love taking my time getting ready before heading to the gym for an unrushed workout. Afterwards, heading to a coffee shop to try a seasonal latte and sit on the patio with a book.
I love walking around the lake talking with my husband and dreaming up ideas, visions, our next vacation.
I love Mexican food, specifically outside on a patio with chips, guac AND queso.
I love traveling.
The moment that you get to your gate at the airport and get ready to board the plane - full of anticipation for the destination.
The very moment that you step onto the resort for the first time and wind is blowing through the lobby with smells of the salted ocean passing your nose.
I love experiences and food and people and really… life.
None of these things that I listed are inherently bad or sinful. God actually has allowed these things to us as gifts and blessings. All of this is part of the beauty of life that He created.
But love can quickly turn to idolatry. Your affection for these things can strengthen and can become hard to detect -
until your access to them is threatened or limited.
“Love can quickly turn into idolatry.”
What happened inside of you during Covid when you couldn't travel for a season?
Your spouse asks you to cut back and your $8 latte is no longer in the budget?
God asks you to triple your giving this week at church?
So… what is the problem? The problem is…
my will.
(desire, pleasure, choice)
Over time it became so… strong. I exercised the wrong muscle. These muscles don’t help me pick up a cross - these muscles help me get what I want.
This is the antithesis of Christ followership.
If we’re getting deep here, it’s actually a demonic ideology and an occultist mantra - “Do what thou wilt.” (oop!) It literally means do whatever you will to do.
Consult with yourself and follow your heart as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, which is relevant to culture today.
If you want to nerd out on this with me, the mantra comes from a religion called Thelema. This is a greek word meaning “choice” or will”. Ironically, thelema is the same word that we see when Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane and said,
“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Yet, not my will, but Yours be done.”
Luke 22:42
The world says to follow your own will.
Disciples of Christ say, not my will but the will of God, be done.
“The world says to follow your own will.
Disciples of Christ say, not my will but the will of God be done!”
Now am I saying that I was caught in witchcraft because I like slow mornings and lattes?
No. I’m just saying that God is loving and kind and used the most beautiful gift to show me that I was exercising the wrong muscles.
Following my heart is not a reliable path to the will of God.
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9
For you, maybe it’s not motherhood that causes you to confront your strong will.
If you struggle with pride, I can imagine marriage has revealed some things.
If you struggle with integrity, I can imagine your career has been rocky and inconsistent.
If you struggle with fear, how have your most intimate friendships and relationships been tested?
I love comfort and am often tempted with laziness. It may sound silly to some, but the lack of sleep I’ve experienced in motherhood has truly undone me at times.
I’ve mourned my slow mornings. There has been a grief process when it comes to my old way of life.
Now, my daughter... She is lively, hilarious, so joyful - literally my tiny little best friend!
As much as I love her, my body still wants to sleep. Many times, that is just not an option.
But this sacrifice has become sacred and a way to offer my body as a living sacrifice.
Praise be to God that He would use the beautiful gift of becoming a mother to remind me and refine me.
He has not called me to a life of self indulgence.
He has called me to Himself.
So, in the middle of the night and during the day when naps don’t work, I quietly whisper to the Spirit of God,
“Not my will, but Yours be done.”
